Wednesday, 28 June 2017

right now + how its not going to be forever.


This feeling has been building up for a long time.  I've been wearing it under my clothes for almost a year. Sometimes it has spilled its aching grey pool but mostly I've promised to keep it hidden, it's fine, it will go after your exams.

It hasn't gone. It's consumed me.

Mental illnesses are horrible, intoxicating, frightening things that we do not hear enough about. Not properly. Maybe in that one assembly in year eight when you couldn't understand how on earth someone could feel sad everyday, or that time you heard your friends whisper it to each other about a neighbour a couple of years later, hushed because this feeling is something strange, and dangerous.
Something we cannot comprehend.

Neither can I. Right now, I cannot imagine finding the girl I've carried around for the last 18 years again. She's too buried under the weight of this aching grey pool - a hungry pool that feeds on light. And that makes me more sad than I have ever felt. Feelings, again.

But

Soon, or late, (but either way it will), this feeling will lessen. I'll want to laugh again, I'll want to explore again and I'll be holding hands with myself once again.

-J

Tuesday, 28 March 2017

+ lists.

It's rare, but right now I don't even feel like articulating. Everything is just a bit much. So here are some things making me feel marginally less bleh. (Because nobody is okay all the time, even if they're smiling).

listening

stay with me - roo panes
weight of the world - jon bellion 
borderline - andreas moe 
five foot three - flannel graph
above the clouds of pompeii - bear's den
teenage dirtbag - frank hamilton

reading

harry potter - j.k rowling

watching

beauty and the beast (2017 adaptation + accompanying soundtrack)
spring unfurl 

eating

pancakes 
grapes
strawberries

missing

new york 
freedom
disneyland

drinking

whittards dream time tea
whittards salted caramel hot chocolate 

avoiding

a levels 



(here's a little metaphor for you: flowers need sunlight AND rain to grow. we do too.)

If you seek bountiful inspiration then check out my tumblr [x], and if you are interested in my poetry, you can read some random bits here [x]. 

-J